I'm A Big, Fat, Wussy Chicken

My friend Aaron sent me a message regarding a blog post from a few weeks back.  I thought I should share it with you.  It is on of the most beautiful, sensible things I have ever even read, let alone have been written to me.  (Yes, I used his read name.  He deserves the credit.)


"Though my experience hasn't been exactly like yours, I've been through a bit of what you're talking about (plus I'm a man-child). After 10 years, and a daughter together, my spouse left us, and I've been single dad-ing it for over a year now. 

Perhaps what has improved my life so significantly is allowing myself a paradigm shift in what I expect in a relationship. After such severe heartache, and crushed dreams, I started to think of something one of my teachers said to me:
"We live in an age of serial monogamy... We're faithful to someone as long as we are happy, and then we move on to be faithful to someone else...and so on."

I guess after going through what I had, I have kind of taken comfort in that... and started to think of it as a solution to a problem in my thinking......"that I need to find someone to spend the rest of my life with." 

I suppose this might sound cruel, or indecent, but I really don't think it is. I think it has given me the chance to stand alone. To take a little bit more responsibility for myself, and yes, to enjoy myself a little bit more... I wouldn't presume that everyone would be fulfilled in taking my route, though.

Since then, I've started seeing this girl, and right away, expressed that I have no interest in ever marrying again. I told her that I am the type that will never cheat, and that I would expect the same. I also told her that I don't want to live together, and don't want her to be a mother to my daughter. I want to enjoy her company, be great friends, be great lovers, go on trips, have lunch together, watch movies, whatever we enjoy... without planting huge expectations on each other. I told her that I'd rather miss her once in a while, than wish she would go away once in a while... In short, that I want to be happy and I want her to be happy, being two separate people... who love each other. And I must say, this has been the most stress-free year of my life... partially because our relationship was not grown from a seed of expectations. It has NOT been perfect, but I did want to share my thoughts with you...

I don't see you leaving a trail of man-children in your wake, because you just don't seem that type. But who knows? Perhaps there's some young guy out there that you'd REALLY get along with. Someone that might start right out expecting to just have a ton of fun with you, and not be burdened with marriage, fathering, co-habitating? I know I would have!!! You're a gorgeous lady, and "sharp as a razor, soft as a prayer"... Hope this doesn't sound weird! I hope the best for you, and don't think you're done having fun OR experiencing romance...
-Aaron."

I'm sitting here tonight typing this instead of sleeping.  I have a wonderful friend who is here for a visit, but she is leaving in just a few short hours.  A few more hours after that, I have a date with Charlie.  I am scared shitless.  I don't know what to think or do.  I just know that he seems like a really decent guy and I don't know yet if I am in a place to deal with the opposite sex.  I believe that Aaron's approach is exactly what I need and will do regardless of what man I may date, but am I just going to be a jackass and screw things up anyway?  Am I even interesting enough to keep a decent guy's interest? I am excellent at learning new skills- it distracts me from problems.  I can fix things, cook things, bake things, write things...  But what do you do with a person?  How do you know if you are screwing a good thing up or propping up a bad one?  Am I okay after dealing with the Nick situation?  Should I just chicken out and not go?  I really like this guy.  I want to know him better, but I am afraid I can't handle a real, decent man.  I'm used to selfish, defective man-children and taking care of them and their messes.  The messes distract me from dealing with the truth- I am uncomfortable with better.  I feel unworthy of a decent man, but why?  I know all of the psycho-babble reasons, but what is the blood-and-guts reason?  I am still not completely sure.


I have been told by my two closest friends that I should go on this date; that I deserve this.  I deserve to have fun and be treated well by a nice guy.  They both pretty much gave me a little hell over being hesitant.  I think it was not because of being hesitant, it was over me being wussy.  A chicken.  It was pointed out to me that I could not ever be happy in a relationship if I didn't go out to eventually have one, and nice guys aren't exactly a dime a dozen.   I needed to seize the opportunity (and to be honest, the attraction.  He's cute).  I guess I will fill you in on the details of my date after I have it.  Cross your fingers that I don't do something to screw it up.