Dear Mike

Dear Mike,

Today is our son’s 11^th birthday.  Tomorrow marks 11 years since you took off, but I still see you daily.  I see your mannerisms, your facial expressions and your physical attributes. You left and forgot all about the people you left behind.  You have no reminders; you got a new life and a “do-over.”  Your family chose to follow you into the sunset.  Every last Germain abandoned one of their own; they walked away from the most helpless of their family and instead backed the one that should have been an adult.  None of you see what I see.  I see pieces of an 11 year-old you.

Was it easy to erase all memory of me and that tiny person you left in the hospital that night?  Do you ever wonder how he is?  If he’s happy and has everything he needs?  When you don’t pay the support you are supposed to, do you ever wonder what he has to go without while you are at the ball game, drinking your third beer?  Does anyone in your family?  Is your current wife even aware of his existence?

I can assure you that while I see bits and pieces of you in him every day, I also see the polar opposite of your personality.  He is the most positive, hard-working, happy and likable little kid I have ever met.  He never gives up when a challenge arises; often he is so determined to overcome the obstacle that he forgets to take a break.  He would never, ever insult or belittle someone because he knows how much it hurts.  He is loving, conscientious, forgiving to a fault and sharp as a razor.  No one says a remotely unkind word about is mama in his presence, not even his granny, because he will get testy.  “No one says anything bad about my mom!  She’s the best mom in the world!” he will angrily tell them.

He has musical and artistic talent far beyond anyone in your family, even your professional artist mother and professional musician step-father.  I find it very ironic that the very person you walked away from possesses all of the traits your family holds in high regard.  My child is the rock star of all your family’s children and you have no idea.  No one in your family does.  And yes, he’s MY child.  You reneged all claim to him when you left.

That boy is my sunrise and sunset; my universe.  I am thankful that he is mine.  I am even more thankful that you left; I have no doubt that he would not be the kid he is if you were a part of his life.  You would see the good parts as a weakness.  I realize that they are actually a strength, and part of that realization came from having you walk away.  My loving, hard-working baby boy will never do what you did.  I have absolutely no doubt about that.

I suppose I should thank you.  If it weren’t for you, he wouldn’t be here and my world would be very different and empty.  I don’t think you deserve a thank you, however.  What you deserve is to be an old, lonely man with nothing but time on his hands to reflect on his hollow, shallow, self-centered life and never know what became of those who would be there for him if he weren’t such a poor excuse of a human being.

I do have two things to tell you, though.  First, even though I’ve had a child, I am still thinner and hotter than your current wife.  Second, your son hates Jimmy Buffett.  Poetic justice of sorts, I suppose.

The Voice

I was listening to my iPod today, and a recurrent thought popped into my head:  "When I grow up, I want to be a black male soul singer."  Totally.  I want to be Sam Cooke, Otis Redding or Solomon Burke.  Yes, I realize they are all dead and I am a white woman, but if I had my choice, I would be them in their heyday.  Two of my most favorite songs ever are Otis Redding's "These Arms of Mine" and Solomon Burke's "Cry to Me."  They are the quintessential "make-a-chick-melt" songs.  (Baby in Johnny's room in "Dirty Dancing," anyone?)  I can only imgine how inoxicating that kind of hold would be.  Voices that can sing like that are the sexiest thing in the world to me.  Look at Barry White.  He was one UGLY mofo, but he had more women that one man could reasonably handle.  Why?  His voice.  Hearing him say "Hey Baby" was probably akin to a roofie in your drink exept you liked it and remembered everything.  I daresay that if every lingerie store only played music like that, more women would buy more stuff while they were in there.  A man's voice like that just makes a woman FEEL it into her toes.  She'll walk differently, smile differently and probably spend more money.


One of the things that initially drew me to my boyfriend is his voice.  I absolutely love it.  Half the time I have no idea what he's saying; I've stopped registering words and am just listening to the sound.  He could be telling me that he hates what I made for dinner, that he just got a tattoo of a car on his ass or that he's actually a Russian spy and I would have no idea what he just told me.  I just smile like I have a clue.  Good thing he's patient.  

Time For A Change?

I heard something very interesting at work today, but not from my boss.  A competitor is closing, and they are right in my back yard.  I live literally 10 minutes from this place but an hour from my job of going on 12 years.  This struck me in a couple different ways:

My boss didn't tell me.  (He is, however, looking to purchase things from the person that is closing.)  I believe he is concerned that I will finally leave and go on my own.  The place that is closing leaves a void in my county that will need to be filled; why not by me? If I leave, my current employer will be left in the lurch.  I am the only person within the organization that can do my job.  A lot of revenue is both directly and indirectly dependent on me.  It will also be difficult to find a replacement.  Work could be contracted to someone, but of course at a higher rate than I am currently being paid.  There would also be no one to answer customers' questions like I do now.  I am not surprised that he neglected to tell me of the closing.

I have been doing some serious thinking about what I want to do with myself.  I have been unhappy at work for a very long time but I couldn't see how I could change jobs and still support Joe and the bills.  Three weeks ago, I was one more complaint from leaving.  It didn't matter if it was a co-worker or a customer.  I was tired of being in trouble over things I could do nothing about and had absolutely no control over.  I wondered if I was even in the right career anymore.  I like what I do, but the circumstances in which I have to do it are sometimes crummy.  People can be especially rude, no matter how hard you try or how honest you are.  I got home that night and got a phone call from someone needing my help outside of work.  My answer was clear- I need to keep plugging away and make a break when I can.  Build a base on my own and leave.  

So does this mean I should risk it and try to go on my own now?  I have two signs that I should be independent, but is now the right time?  If not now, when?  I'm not completely clear yet.  I guess I have some homework to do.  








AND- Blogger is making my first paragraph look stupid.  Guess I have homework to do on figuring out how to fix that, too!