Joe, Charlie and I went to Idlewild today. Charlie's company had it's annual picnic there, and he suggested we go. If it had just been an off the cuff, "Why don't we go to Idlewild?" kind of thing, I would have refused. Too many memories, most of them not good, revolve around that amusement park.
When Joe was barely four, I began dating Frank. He had a two year old son, Jon. On paper, it seemed like serendipity. In reality, there was a dip involved, but it was Frank. I stayed with this man for 3 loooooong years. We even got engaged. He fit the bill for what I thought I needed: someone who could not object to my child because he had one of his own; he was close to my age; financially responsible; had a stable job; wanted more kids. Finally, I could have a real family for Joe, complete with a brother close to his age! The "what could be" clouded my eyes to see reality.
We got season passes to Idlewild Park for 3 straight summers. Every few weeks we would pack up the boys, all the junk that comes with a toddler and a slightly older kid, our swimsuits, snacks, drinks, sunblock... And I carried the bulk of it myself. I cannot think of one single, solitary time in dozens of visits that I enjoyed the day. As Charlie, Joe and I walked past various places in the park, little memories came back to me- over there is where Joe had a meltdown because Frank called him stupid. That pavilion is where Frank and I got into a fight because Jon bit me. There is the rope net I always had to climb while carrying a 20 pound backpack cooler because Frank wouldn't take both boys up it by himself OR carry the cooler.
Idlewild is the last place I saw Jon. Idlewild is the place that started the final fight between his father and I; it is also the place where I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I did not like Jon. I did not want to be his stepmother. I did not want to be held responsible in any way for his crappy attitude or behavior. I did not want kids with Frank. I did not want to make more like Jon. I also did not want Joe to be the scapegoat for Jon and Frank for the rest of his life.
During my flashback, I looked at Charlie. Sweet, quiet, easy-going Charlie. The polar opposite of Frank. Not only is his personality polar opposite, his life is also. He has daughters, but they are both grown. He does not want more kids. He is 14 years older than me and he became a grandfather 3 weeks ago. I'm fine with all of these things. I am deliriously, giddily, fantastically, peacefully in love with this man. I cannot wait to become his wife, and I don't care that he doesn't fit the Frank-era definition of what I thought I needed. He is what I never realized I didn't have until I met him.
