Sunday, May 10, 2015

What Did You Give Up For Lent? Your Son.

Charlie is adopting Joe.  I am relieved but still angry.  Here's why:

Joe asked Charlie one evening if he would adopt him, and he was serious.  Charlie and I had already discussed this but decided to wait on Joe.  If he came to Charlie and asked someday, we would start the process.  Well, in starting this process, I needed to find Mike and have his parental rights terminated.  Considering his current wife Jess's social media fixation, it wasn't difficult.  That was, after all, how I kept finding him and turning in his address to keep his child support up to date.  (Thanks @jessgermain for that!)  I did a little bit of digging and came up with his cell phone number.  (Kids, anything you post online can be found.  This is the proof.)  I also came up with Mike's mugshot from something he did in 2012:


Cuuute.  I married that once.

I digress.  Cell phone in hand, I texted Father of the Year to make sure that was still his number.  Yep, it was.  He typed "Who is this?" and I could just hear the snarl.  I told him who I was and what I wanted.  His response?  It "makes more sense since you're married."  WHAT???  So if I were still single, it wouldn't make sense for him to terminate the rights he has to a child he (and his whole fricking family) abandoned when he was a newborn?  Am I missing something here?  And he had a set of rules for me:  he could not be physically served, the papers had to be certified mail; he could not travel to appear in court (it just dawned on me that he may be on probation and that's why.  Duh.), and he could not get his own lawyer.  I assumed those rules were because his current wife did not know Joe existed, so I complied.  Just get him out of the picture forever, even if it means playing by his rules this time.

The paperwork was drawn up and sent to Mike.  Much to my surprise, he signed it and sent it back immediately.  My lawyer called and told me she had the documents back.  I asked if he had done everything correctly because he has a history of not doing so.  Her response?  "Yes, and surprisingly enough, his wife and mother-in-law were his witnesses."  SHUT THE FRONT DOOR.  His wife?  His mother-in-law?  They KNEW?!

This is where my anger is rooted.  I was so convinced that Joe was a secret.  I was convinced that was why Mike didn't care; he couldn't have his comfy life uprooted.  Now I find out that I was wrong and these women knew?!  And one of them is a mother to boot?  What the hell kind of women are they????  Are they that self-centered and immature?  Do they not realize that Mike could one day do the same to a baby in their own family?  Why is this okay????????  

I've come to terms with Mike's own family turning their backs on Joe.  Mike told them I cheated on him and Joe wasn't his.  Neither of those things were true, but it was easier for them to believe him than to think they had a tiny, helpless relative thousands of miles away.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Mike doesn't even live near them, so I suppose there was really no reminder Joe was on the planet.  They all went on with their superficial, self-centered existences like Mike did.

Yes, I see the bigger picture, the good in all of this.  Mike is out of Joe's life forever once the adoption is finalized.  Joe will never have to deal with all of the human detritus that is that family, biological or married into that mess.  He is happy.  He has no idea what assholes they are and now he never will.  I get all of that.  It still hurts, though.  Even after 15 years, it hurts.  And I'm still as angry-- no, more angry-- than I was 15 years ago.  When Joe was born, he was a blank slate.  Now he's a person with real experiences, real feelings, real thoughts...  and it makes me even angrier to think they have ever been clouded by any thought of the Germain family.

I have things of Mike's still.  I kept them for Joe, like Mike's baby book, his crucifix, pictures, cards he sent me, tangible things that if Joe ever questioned anything about Mike or our relationship. I could show him.  I'm torn now.  Should I be the bigger person and send the irreplaceable stuff back to Mike or should I just throw it out?  I don't know.  What I do know is that I cannot wait for the "Is he going to show up and demand his kid" chapter of my life to be over. 



One last thing:  Since she has been instrumental in connecting Mike and I, I must say a special "Thank You" to Jessica Germain.


Thank you, princess!



May you live happily ever after.

***The last two pictures were taken in December, 2014.***



Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Thank You, Reverend

The pastor at the church that I am technically a member at passed away last night.  He was a man of great intelligence and integrity.  He touched my life and profoundly affected it in ways I could never explain to him, even though I haven't regularly attended church in a decade.  He is also the man that performed both of my wedding ceremonies.  This is very important, and I will explain why.

One month to the day before I married Joe's father, I found out I was pregnant.  The invitations were already sent, RSVP's already returning.  I was embarrassed that not only had I been having pre-marital sex, everyone was going to know.  I did not tell my pastor I was pregnant.  I knew everyone would figure out I wasn't having a "honeymoon baby" since his arrival would only be 7 months after the wedding, but I was too mortified to tell anyone except my immediate family.  The wedding happened and I went about being a pregnant new wife.

Flash forward to six months after the wedding:  Joe's father turned out to have more skeletons in his closet than the average person.  Debts, addictions, aliases, an ex-wife...  Countless lies and pointing blame to anywhere but himself.  His family refused to talk to me when I asked what they knew and hid from me.  Mike pleaded for me not to leave him; he wanted to try counseling.  I told him I WOULD NOT go to my pastor with this.  I was too embarrassed to let him know of our problems.  Well, Mike did exactly the opposite.  He went to my pastor without me.

After Mike had visited, the reverend came to my house to speak with me.  I was just hospitalized for pre-term labor and was on bed rest.  He said quietly "Carrie, I have known you for most of your life.  What Mike told me is not you and is not true.  He has problems that you cannot deal with.  You need to file for divorce.  You and your young baby do not need him in your lives."

I was shocked.  Here I was, a month from giving birth, six months after a wedding, being told by the very pastor that performed the ceremony that I needed to get a divorce.  That night I visited with my grandparents.  Granny asked me if the reverend had come to see me.  I told her he had.  Grampa, who was a man of few words, asked what he had to say.  I told them.  Grampa's response was "And did you hear him?"  Again I was shocked.  How could I do that?

The next day what the pastor and Grampa had said kept running through my head.  I realized that if the pastor felt the need to tell me I needed to file for divorce, I should do it.  He, of all people, would not take divorce lightly.  I made an appointment with an attorney and filed that week.

After Joe was born, the reverend and his wife were very supportive of me.  Through baptism without a father, a diagnosis of autism, struggling to become a single mom, they were always kind.  I cannot say the same about fellow parishioners, however, and I felt extremely uncomfortable in church.  I was having a difficult time reconciling getting pregnant before marriage, being now divorced, being a single parent, and having a kid with problems.  The whispers and looks from others were more than I could bear.  I felt like a failure, like I was unworthy to be in a church.  I quit going.  The pastor did not quit on me, though.  He always kept up with where I was and how I was doing.  Joe went to Bible School each summer.  Each summer the reverend would comment on how intelligent Joe was.  Throughout the year he would ask Granny about Joe and often told her how neat of a little kid Joe was.  Joe thought the world of him.  He cried today when I told him the pastor had passed.  He said "I am sad that he is gone and I will miss him.  The good thing, though, is he is seeing all the things he believed in and is getting to be in Heaven where he belongs.  He dedicated his life to making sure people like us get there too, you know."  Such wise words from such a little person.

When Charlie and I decided to get married, I was hesitant to have the reverend marry us.  Would it be like deja vu for me?  Would he even be willing to do it?  I should not have questioned anything.  He welcomed us with open arms and was very supportive of our marriage.  I think now he was so supportive BECAUSE of what I went through before.  He knew things were very different this time.  It has occurred to me that if he hadn't said a very difficult thing to say, I wouldn't have the happiness I have today.

I never got to tell him how profoundly he affected my life.  I have thought about it often, and wished I could tell him, but I'm not a talker like that.  I can write, and I should have written before now.  I just hope that he knew what was in my heart and can see these words now and knows that he made a very, very big and positive difference in my life.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Wussy Chicken Gets A New Job

I had the same job for almost 12 years.  Considering that I am only 33, 12 years is a large chunk of my life; my whole adulthood.  I had not been happy in that job for at least 10 of the 12 years, but I felt that I was stuck there.  Needless to say, I was beyond miserable.  The first week of May was particularly rough this year.  I decided on May 4th that I couldn't take it anymore.

I began re-writing my resume.  I have a very specialized set of skills and a considerable amount of experience but only two employers.  One employer was out of business and the second was my current job. I was worried that I would have a difficult time making my resume stand out because of that, but there was nothing I could do about it.  I finished writing it and looked for places to send it to.

I sent it to one place that night, and miraculously I got a call the next morning.  I had an interview!!  Holy cow!  I felt completely at ease as I took my personal belongings to my car and emailed my resignation to my bosses.  I laughed the whole way home that night.

I aced the interview on the following Monday.  I was offered the job on the spot.  It's not what I went to college for, but I like it.  I'm learning a lot and I am much, much happier.  The wussy chicken FINALLY got the nerve to tell the big, bad, bi-polar wolf to stick it and hasn't looked back.

How Did This All Happen?!

Joe is in sixth grade now.  SIXTH GRADE.  His last year of elementary school.  How did that happen?  How did he get so old in the blink of an eye?  He is going to be taller than me soon; he already weighs more than I did when he was conceived.  Heck, his feet are even bigger than mine.  Wasn't it just yesterday he was clinging to me, wanting to be carried?

I'm proud of him.  I'm proud of the person he has become.  He a goofy, lovable, nerdy, cool, inadvertently hilarious, quirky man in the making.  He dances like a champ; girls will flock to him and he will be oblivious to the fact that they like him.  He has a style all his own and doesn't know it.  I am confident that he will be a good boyfriend and husband because he's had a crush on the same girl since kindergarten and has not been swayed.  (But he cannot date until he is 35.)

I got lucky.  I got a tough kid with a good heart.  The good heart had made all the difference.  Through all of the ups and downs, there was still a sweet, kind, loving boy in there somewhere.  I'm glad he's back and here to stay.